In a sea of faces the other night, I finally tracked him down. I found him! Chilling in the back, he was observing the dancing masses. The strobe lights flashed off of his glassy, glistening eyes. His eyes were bigger than his face. “My mouth tastes like hairspray and the crippling emotional uncertainty that my dad must feel,” he seemed to say to himself. As the bass rolled in to the next tune, he announced to his crew, “It’s lit, fam!” He stood up and staggered off, melding back into the dancing throng.
Archive for the ‘culture’ Category
Where’s Waldo? He’s Ravin’!
February 4, 2016Interview With a Mermaid: Aurelia Gyldenscale.
January 29, 2016
Aurelia Gyldenscale (photo credit Joey Kirkman)
I recently posted a satirical piece on mermaids. However, I wanted to dive in deeper on the subject and gain some insight from a professional mermaid. Aurelia Gyldenscale is a Kansas City-based mermaid. She is known as the Heartland Mermaid. Aurelia recently discussed how she became interested in mermaiding, her creative process and advice to aspiring merpeople. For more info on Aurelia Gyldenscale, check out www.heartlandmermaid.com and her Facebook page.
What inspired you to become a professional mermaid?
Growing up, I loved to read fantasy books and books about world mythology. I don’t recall ever reading any specifically about mermaids, but it was the imagination and the adventure that I sought. When I got into college I had less time to read for pleasure. I think the opportunity to escape into a world of fantasy and adventure is what brought me to involve myself with the Kansas City Renaissance Festival. I worked at KCRF in several different positions for a few years. First as a henna artist, then as Queen of the Fae and the Princess of Denmark. In 2014, they were casting for mermaids, so I auditioned. After that first season, I fell in love with the character, the interactions and the mythology. I started working with Merbella Studios, out of Florida, to create my own custom silicone tail and started planning to take on more event appearances once it was finished. The rest is history.
Are there any challenges to being a mermaid in the Midwest?
It can be harder to find work when you’re not near an ocean and finding a place to swim can be a bit more challenging as well. Most people in the Midwest haven’t seen a monofin before, let alone a full tail, so a big part of the process is educating them about what it is, how I use it safely, and letting them know that I have insurance. It’s still worth the extra effort.

Aurelia Gyldenscale (photo credit J. Berendt)
How old were you when you designed your first mermaid outfit?
24. The first mermaid tail I’ve helped design is my current tail. At KCRF we rented tails, so I didn’t have much creative input in the actual tail itself. However, I’ve been making costume pieces and accessories for all of my Ren Fair and Circus characters for about six years. I’m a very crafty fish.
What do you feel are the biggest misconceptions about mermaids?
I feel like the biggest misconception about mermaids is that you have to fit into this stereotypical idea of what it is to be a mermaid in order to live the dream. You don’t have to have an incredibly expensive silicone tail or be a certain size or have a certain length hair to have fun as a mermaid. There are so many affordable options for fabric tails these days that anyone can realize their dream of being a mermaid. One of my dreams is to eventually open up a mermaiding school where I can help teach people how to be safe, maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, and harness their creativity while mermaiding.
How does your creative process work when designing outfits?
When I’m working on a piece, I usually go into a craft store knowing exactly what I want to do or where I want to go creatively. Then I try to find the materials, fail miserably, and come up with something new (and most of the time better) from what I see is actually available. For inspiration, I like to browse traditional mermaid imagery in art and popular culture. I’ve spent more than a little time on Pintrest weighing ideas as well. A big thing that is important to me is originality. My mermaid character may be inspired by different things I see or experience, but nothing in it is a copy. I want my props, costume pieces, and set items to reflect that goal as well.
What inspires your fashion sense?
I kind of go back and forth between a love of clean lines and minimalism and the “more is more” philosophy. So, it depends on the day how I’ll dress myself. I’ve also been a fashion model for about 6 years, which you would think would make me a fashionista. I think it’s done the opposite. I’ve spent so much time having other people doing my hair, makeup, and wardrobe for me that I like to not think too much about it all myself unless it’s a special occasion. The exception here is vintage clothing. I love vintage pieces. It’s a shame that it is hard to find them though (being 5’11”…women were so much smaller pre-1970s).
Do you have a quote or motto that you live by?
Education, learning and growth are the most important aspects of my life. My favorite quote related to this is from Pablo Picasso: “I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” If I see something that interests me, I go after it. I research it. I find a way to make it happen.
What advice would you give to merpeople just starting out?
Start slow. Learn about the community. Be safe. Mermaiding is such a new hobby and sometimes people get this idea that it’s easy. At the end of the day, our tails are sports equipment, not toys, and need to be treated as such when swimming. Always swim with a buddy, always check your equipment before going in, and always be considerate of the other people around you. It only takes one unsafe swimmer to get monofins and tails banned in a public pool. As for everything besides swimming, there are tons of online resources through the Mernetwork forum. Take the time to learn about it, especially before investing large amounts of money, just like you would any other hobby. Come to it with an open, friendly attitude and people will be happy to help.

Aurelia Gyldenscale (photo credit Joey Jirkman)
Typeface Fiends.
January 26, 2016

National Enquirer Cover (image via nocoastoriginals.com)
“I like the National Enquirer, because they are the only magazine that uses bold typeface. They were like, ‘Donald Trump is….A LIAR!!!!’ Okay, bad example. The last one I saw, they were like, ‘Bruce Jenner is…..BECOMING A WOMAN.‘” -Overheard at the grocery store.
Seafood and Painkillers.
January 17, 2016A friend of mine recently told me about his trip to the British Virgin Islands. He had rented a sailboat while on vacation. “It was all seafood and painkillers, man. Seafood and painkillers,” he stated.
It was like a rich guy pretending to be Hunter S. Thompson. I’m on vacation, I’m rich, but I’m also so edgy. It’s important to remember that it’s not just the younger posers that are out there trying too hard. No matter your age, no matter how much money you make, stay true to who you are.
Raging with the Green Fairy.
January 17, 2016
Absinthe (image via liquor.com)
“Absinthe is a liquor that they outlawed because it’s supposed to make you trip hallucinogenically. So, I got excited because I like to hallucinate. So, I started drinking lots of shots of it. But, really, it’s just a liquor. So, I was just getting fucked up… I wasn’t even remotely tripping. But, after 10 shots, I fell to the ground and tried to force the trip. “WHY IS THE FLOOR AS LOW AS I CAN GO!?”. But, I was just faking it, ya know? It wasn’t a from the heart trip.” -Mitch Hedberg.
I recently read about an absinthe-related store opening up in Kansas City. It got me thinking about my past experiences with absinthe.
Actual absinthe was outlawed in the US until 2007. However, absinthe has been popular in New Orleans for years. Both the versions you can find in the United States and the harder-hitting varieties from overseas seem to do well in NOLA.
My first time drinking absinthe was at the now closed, kitschy, Russian-themed bar Pravda. Surrounded by the faux Soviet Era relics adorning the red walls, I bought some absinthe for $15 a glass. The melting of the sugar cube through the slotted spoon looked like some weird drug making workshop. It has a strong anise tone and packs quite a punch.
The touristy Pirate’s Alley Cafe, tucked in the French Quarter’s Pirate’s Alley, also features a few quality absinthe varieties. One night, the bar was packed to the maximum. Unbeknownst to me, there was a pirate convention in town. The tiny bar was overflowing with pirates hunting for booty. They were a surly bunch for sure.
The Rieger Hotel Grill & Exchange, in Kansas City, serves absinthe. It seemed like the real deal. I ended up missing my bus because I fell through the worm hole.
It’s important to remember that absinthe has pros and cons. Your paintings will look better and really pop. However, you could lob your ear off. If you see Tahitian colors on the back of your eyelids, you might drink too much absinthe. It’s interesting to see absinthe get big again in trendy circles. Whether it is hip or not, absinthe is guaranteed to leave a strong impression on you.
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Being So Hip You’re Ahead of Yourself.
January 16, 2016I had a friend of mine in college that was playing a mix CD he had made of new music. I asked him about what some of tunes were. “I don’t know yet. I’ll find out what I’m listening to tomorrow.” The tunes were so new, the guy that made the CD didn’t even know them yet. He is so hip, he is ahead of himself.
Neck Splinters and Woodpecker Attacks: The Wooden Tie Life.
January 14, 2016
Rocking the wooden tie with Larry the Cable Guy. #whitepeople #gitrdone
I am not a fashion guy at all, but I am a big supporter of wooden ties. In life, one should try and be funky in as many ways as possible. As you plow through a bland day, it can be fun to amp things up any way you can.
However, attempting to be fashion forward can have issues. The other day, I was walking down the street and got maliciously attacked by a woodpecker. Ugh, white people problems. Anytime it gets cloudy, I start getting paranoid about my tie warping. I have to get up ever day at 5 am to coat my tie with Thompson’s deck sealer. I feel like a hungover Bob Vila. Awhile back, a colony of termites tried to burrow into my tie. I have the Orkin man on speed dial now.
Wooden ties seem to be gaining in popularity now. I rep a wooden tie for Wooden Tie Wednesday every week now. I’d like to think I was one of the first people to wear one. So many folks are biting my style! They are barking up the wrong tree.
However, it’s not all wooden tie problems all the time. It is nice having random people come up to me on the street and say, “Oh my god, it’s the wooden tie guy!” I’ve been called a lot worse downtown, it’s a nice change of pace.
Bradley Walsh is my wooden tie maker of choice. He sells his pieces at Eclectics. He’s out there, whittling away the hours to bring the wood to the people.
Through all the neck splinters and woodpecker smackdowns, life’s rough and smooth patches, it’s all about bringing the funk.
An Uncomfortable Question for White Hip Hop Fans.
January 14, 2016
A$AP Ferg (Image via RapDirect.com)
A local music journalist talked to me after A$AP Ferg’s opening set for G-Easy in Kansas City Tuesday night. “You went to school in New Orleans, I’m sure you have an opinion on this, ” he began. “The crowd here is 99 percent white. This might be an uncomfortable question, but how does it make you feel to hear 3,000 white kids shouting back the n-word to a black rapper when it’s in his lyrics?” “Not good,” I responded meekly.
Ferg’s set hit the crowd hard and the trap beats had them going wild. The sold out audience on this night was mostly young white kids, between the ages of 13 and 19. The nasty, excellent track “Shabba” completely smashed 3,000 people at the Midland. They loved every raunchy second and rapped along with each line.

A$AP Ferg Crowd, at the Midland, 1/12/16
I hope the kids learn someday. As a fan, you have to make the conscious choice. The question might be rough, but the answer is simple. Even in the sometimes trashy world of hip hop, as a fan and audience member, it is all about respect.
BOLO BOLO.
January 12, 2016BOLO BOLO: Be on the look out.
The BOLO is the crime watch alert system for Loyola University New Orleans. They give you the rundown on current crime happenings. For many students at Loyola, it goes beyond a catchphrase, BOLO becomes a lifestyle. It is a Loyno thing, but it is also about NOLA too. Once you know about the BOLO lifestyle, it never really goes away. NOLA features it’s own unique type of urban existence. Things are funkier, weirder, grimier and more BOLO. You can be BOLO BOLO, you can get BOLO. When you’re in a rough area of town,
You can get BOLO, “I was drinking the Jager, things got BOLO.” “I went to the Saint. I think I lost my dignity last night.” A person can also get BOLOed. One minute you’re chilling in an apartment, the next minute, you catch a glimpse of the “flabby thighs flasher.” BOLO BOLO!! When you’re out in NOLA, you can often feel that BOLO all around you. It’s like a Spidey sense for poor decisions. Sometimes, in a rough area of town, you can feel that BOLO creeping in. It’s your intuition telling you to be on the look out. BOLO BOLO is seeing a dude get judo thrown through a glass door as you’re walking into the high school bar.
Being on the look out creates a strange sense of street-level awareness. Once, on the epic three block trek from Feret to Maple, I was hassled by the crackhead diversity rainbow. Within 5 minutes, 6 crackheads of almost every race, color and creed came up to me. They all gave me the same sob story about how their car ran out of gas and how they also needed money for their insulin. I often wonder if some crackheads go to the same finishing school to learn these lines?
Mardi Gras is, of course, a whole different level of BOLO. However, NOLA can be just as rowdy on a random Monday. Uptown, Downtown, CBD, West Bank, it can all get BOLO at any given time. It’s one of the great/awful things that makes New Orleans so unique.
NOLA teaches you to expect the unexpected at all times. Whenever you leave your house, you never know what will be coming your way, but you are prepared for whatever insanity may lie ahead. In life, you will never know what is next, but it’s always important to be on the look out.
