Archive for the ‘food and drink’ Category

Barista or Tweaker?

February 6, 2016

There is a barista competition in Kansas City this week. Lots of shaky, jittery people in town right now.

At first, I thought they were just the regular downtown tweakers and bath salt smokers. However, I then realized most were wearing flannel. “Nice ironic beard, Shaky McShakerson.”

I had also forgotten that the folk conference isn’t until the end of the month. The main difference between the barista convention and the folk conference is that the folky folks are carrying a banjo. #whitepeopleproblems #firstworldproblems

A1 and Rumple Minze: The New, Hip Cocktail of Choice?

January 26, 2016

 

image

Is this the new cocktail of choice?

You know I’m all about sharing the latest hip trends. This bottle of A1 steak sauce and Rumple Minze were purchased together at 9:30 am on a Monday. Is this the new hip cocktail of choice? “The smoky nodes of the A1 really compliment the minty mouthwash burn of the Rumple Minze.” I’m sure this tastes like Santa Claus got drunk at Outback Steakhouse. Mock it now, but this will probably be the big thing in five years. Don’t forget to say you heard it here first!

Overheard at YJ’s.

January 24, 2016
Yjs

YJ’s

YJ’s Snack Bar is a legendary coffee shop and snack bar in the Crossroads section of Kansas City, Missouri. The crowd that frequents YJ’s is tapped in and funky. Every time I hit YJ’s, I feel like I meet someone hip or hear something that blows my mind. Here is a collection of quotes I’ve overheard at YJ’s.

“If you hate the music you make, more people are bound to like it. That’s the way it works, right?”

“I thought this was a Steve Reich remix. It just had that certain use of minimalism.”

“I’m just looking for bands made by high school kids that hate their parents.”

“I plan on the show being kid friendly until 9.”
“Nothing is kid friendly.”

“A divorced couple is fighting over frozen embryos. That is messed up. It’s like paying child support for frozen embryos.”

“I know you had your first client in the dark room yesterday.”
“How do you know that?”
“I have my ear to the streets.”

“I have no idea what the concept is for this album. It’s called Xerox Vol. 3, so I would guess it is the sound of destructive copying.”

“He’s mostly into electronic music. Last week, he said he was into Vapor wave. I think he is just making up genres of music.”

YJs2

YJ’s

 

Raging with the Green Fairy.

January 17, 2016
image

Absinthe (image via liquor.com)

“Absinthe is a liquor that they outlawed because it’s supposed to make you trip hallucinogenically. So, I got excited because I like to hallucinate. So, I started drinking lots of shots of it. But, really, it’s just a liquor. So, I was just getting fucked up… I wasn’t even remotely tripping. But, after 10 shots, I fell to the ground and tried to force the trip. “WHY IS THE FLOOR AS LOW AS I CAN GO!?”. But, I was just faking it, ya know? It wasn’t a from the heart trip.” -Mitch Hedberg.

I recently read about an absinthe-related store opening up in Kansas City. It got me thinking about my past experiences with absinthe.

Actual absinthe was outlawed in the US until 2007. However, absinthe has been popular in New Orleans for years. Both the versions you can find in the United States and the harder-hitting varieties from overseas seem to do well in NOLA.

My first time drinking absinthe was at the now closed, kitschy, Russian-themed bar Pravda. Surrounded by the faux Soviet Era relics adorning the red walls, I bought some absinthe for $15 a glass. The melting of the sugar cube through the slotted spoon looked like some weird drug making workshop. It has a strong anise tone and packs quite a punch.

The touristy Pirate’s Alley Cafe, tucked in the French Quarter’s Pirate’s Alley, also features a few quality absinthe varieties. One night, the bar was packed to the maximum. Unbeknownst to me, there was a pirate convention in town. The tiny bar was overflowing with pirates hunting for booty. They were a surly bunch for sure.

The Rieger Hotel Grill & Exchange, in Kansas City, serves absinthe. It seemed like the real deal. I ended up missing my bus because I fell through the worm hole.

It’s important to remember that absinthe has pros and cons. Your paintings will look better and really pop. However, you could lob your ear off. If you see Tahitian colors on the back of your eyelids, you might drink too much absinthe. It’s interesting to see absinthe get big again in trendy circles. Whether it is hip or not, absinthe is guaranteed to leave a strong impression on you.

 

 

 

.

BRING THE ENERGY!!!!

January 11, 2016
Bang

BANG!!!!!!!

Awhile back, I walked into GNC. “What are you doing here? You don’t look like you work out,” the employees vapid stares seemed to indicate. “I NEED SOME ENERGY COMMA DAMMIT!” I shouted. They suggested a can of Bang. I cracked it open, it felt refreshing. The flavor was kind of rough. It tasted like the fear you feel inside, with a hint of lemon. It was a nice pick me up.

I decided to go look at some art. I was looking at a tree sculpture in a local “avant garde” “art gallery” when the rush hit. Everything sped up, hyper space. “I LOVE THE IDEA OF THIS TREE. THIS TREE IS CONCEPTUALLY EXCITING,” I announced to an empty art gallery. I started peaking hard. I was doing victory laps around the Crossroads. Instantly, I had been transported the the field of limitless possibilities. I felt like discount Macho Man Randy Savage, “THE MACHO MAN IS TAKING THE TITLE ON SUNDAY!!! I’M THE CREAM OF THE CROP!!! OHHHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

What a thrilling/loud time to be alive. Bang makes you feel like your heart is being ripped out by that dude in the Temple of Doom. I smashed through the boundaries of time and space to new levels of beasting. Bang makes you feel like you are answering a question that was never asked. I can’t wait until SURGE gets wider distribution again, so I can drink something to calm down.

"KALI MA"

“KALI MA!!!!”

Mountain Dew and Vodka.

January 7, 2016

RicFlair

I have a friend of mine that used to drink Mountain Dew and vodka. This was back in those NOLA days. He’d sit there, coding on the Internet all night. All of the sudden, he would get amped up like a discount Ric Flair and unleash a loud “WOOOOOOO!!!!” He would peel himself down from the ceiling, sink back into his chair and get back to coding.

They always say, “Don’t mix alcohol and energy drinks…blah, blah, blah.” You need the vodka to counterbalance the awful tone and taste of the Mountain Dew. Upper and a downer, it’ll put you right in the middle. You’ll feel like Hunter S. Thompson’s cousin.

Finding the Hipness Within.

January 5, 2016

A friend of mine told me a cautionary tale the other day. “My roommate named her cat David Bowie Waffles. She was trying way too hard,” she said. Just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should. You don’t have to try that hard. “At first, I thought it was Tom Hanks Pancakes. I remembered that the cat’s name is David Bowie Waffles,” she clarified.

The people I know that are actually hip often just let it flow effortlessly from themselves. They aren’t out there trying to impress, they just do what they do. You shouldn’t have to force the hipness. It sounds cliche, but being true to who you are is the hippest way you can be. Realness over everything. Being real never goes out of style.

YJsPhoto2

YJs Snackbar

David Ford is one of the hippest people I know in KC. An artist, Ford is also the owner of the legendary YJs Snack Bar. YJs is a laid back, funky spot in the Crossroads. David recently gave me a rundown about a trip to Ethiopia, “The cities featured a lot of cosmopolitan  jazz and the countryside was very rural. It was a lot of goat slaughter, 2,000 ritual goat slaughter.” It was a strange description, but had me intrigued.

YJsPhoto

YJs

The next night, I was watching Anthony Bourdain on CNN. He was in Ethiopia, of course. He described the cosmopolitan, jazzy vibes of the cities and the ritual goat slaughter of the countryside. David Ford is a man that is ahead of the curve, constantly pushing forward. David Ford is hip because he is true to himself.

Personal hipness comes from deep within yourself. Being open to the wonder of the world around you can help make you hipper. Being present in the moment can help you tap back into the realness of yourself. No need to try too hard, just be real.

 

 

 

A Sticky Situation: $13.99 Almond Butter.

December 14, 2015

AlmondButter

This jar of almond butter costs $13.99. It seems so hip, it should be featured on http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/ I think I will smear it on artisan bread, crafted by monks in the Himalayas, and combine it with rare African cultivated jelly. Time to make a $55 peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I am afraid to try this almond butter, because I know I will probably like it too much. It will be like tasting the Mount Olympus of almond butter. All other spreads will become irreverent and my life up until that point will become a fallacy. A terribly sticky situation.

What Was Your Worst Handcrafted Cocktail Ever?

December 14, 2015

Made a quick podcast. What was the worst “handcrafted cocktail” you ever attempted to make? Check the piece out here.