Posts Tagged ‘white people’

Realigning Your Chakras at Umphrey’s McGee

September 6, 2017

Yoga at Umphrey’s McGee at CrossroadsKC, 8/31/17

I recently saw the whitest thing I’ve ever seen at a show. A couple was doing acroyoga during Umphrey’s McGee‘s set at CrossroadsKC. This woman was upside down with her elbows balanced on this guy’s shins. If you listen to a jam band show upside down, it will realign your chakras. You will actually hear the transitions more clearly and your third eye will open. At first, I thought it was ridiculous, then I realized I was just jealous I didn’t have a yoga partner. No, I was slamming whiskey in the corner with some bearded dudes. I’m going to start a new business venture,, to find my true love. Namaste!

Hooping at the Indie Rock Show.

February 14, 2016


Hooping isn’t just limited to raves and jam band shows anymore. Many white people enjoy hooping in diverse scenarios During indie rock band Marian Hill‘s set in Kansas City on Friday, a fan tried to hoop to the sax-laced tunes. Some music is not easy for hooping. A+ for effort though. A nice change of pace from most fans at indie shows that just look at their feet and try to act unimpressed.

Chasing the Dragon With Big Fat Bearded Jam Band.

January 30, 2016


Of all the festival lineups, this might be one of the best. The highlight has to be the legendary Big Fat Bearded Jam Band. I love Big Fat Bearded Jam Band. They have never played the same set twice. Big Fat Bearded Jam Band have done so much nitrous, they don’t even remember the concept of a set list.

All the members are virtuosos and they all play at once. I love when they cover obscure funk jams and slow the tempos way down. Their flaccid funk helps to placate the big-eyed masses. Big Fat Bearded Jam Band’s music has been described as sounding like a really bad Steely Dan high on bath salts. The four hour shows just fly by when you can’t feel any of the nerve endings in your face.

However, not everything is groovy in Big Fat Bearded Jam Band land. The 45-minute drum solo could probably use some tightening up. Big Fat Bearded Jam Band should also just try not to sing. They tried to harmonize once and it just sounded like, “Ahhhh!!!! Arrrrrgggg!!! Ahhhhhhh!” Also, never see them during the day. Their daytime festival sets sound even more listless.

“During the day sets, they look very hungover,” stated fan Chad Chaddington. “You gotta see them late at night, brah. I saw their aftershow for an aftershow for an aftershow of a Phish aftershow once. It melted my face off of my face.”

For Big Fat Bearded Jam Band and their devoted fans, the pothole-filled road goes on forever. Just keep chasing the dragon into blissful, spinning glory.

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